


Absence

by billy_bonka



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: doesn't divulge from canon, more hurt!merlin because why not, some merlin and gwen cuz we were deprived of their friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 18:53:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25660144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/billy_bonka/pseuds/billy_bonka
Summary: It wasn’t much of a surprise, but it didn’t hurt less because of that.
Relationships: Gaius & Merlin (Merlin), Gwen & Merlin (Merlin)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	Absence

**Author's Note:**

> Hullo there, weary traveler; welcome to my humble abode. Pull out a chair, have a comfort drink with me and lend me your ears (or eyes) for a tale of friendship and acceptance, if you would?

It wasn’t much of a surprise, but it didn’t hurt less because of that. 

After Arthur had left, Merlin took two years to return to Camelot. He’d simply sent a messenger to Gwen to inform her of Arthur’s death, alongside the rest of the kingdom. No one had seen hide nor hair of him in those two years, and they doubted they’d ever see him again. 

Time slipped by, and soon the winds brought news of an old, ailing court physician, bedridden and unable to attend to his patients. Of his patients, young and old, gathering in his chambers every day to thank him one last time, while they could. 

It took Gaius being on his deathbed, but Merlin finally found it in him to return. 

Filled with the ghosts of a life past, Camelot loomed over him; a reminder of the people he’d lost and failed. The person he’d lost and failed. It was suffocating. 

Walking through the familiar streets was a lot easier than he’d thought it would’ve been. No guards came running up to him, pointing spears and yelling of treason for killing the king. No hysterical citizens either, pelting him with rotten vegetables as they demanded the life of their beloved king be returned. 

Had they forgotten about Arthur? The noble king who had put their lives above his whenever he could? The man who had brought them peace with the surrounding kingdoms, and who had knowingly ridden to his death for his people? Why were they not… demanding for Arthur’s life back?

Emotion swelled in his chest at the thought of this, but he wrestled down the surge of agitation that threatened to distract him from his original purpose. 

Head down, he trudged on. 

It seemed quieter than the rumours had painted, but the doorway to the physician’s chambers was filled with flowers and tokens from grateful well-wishers, who had come to see off the man who had touched their lives, one way or another. 

There was a small crowd of people lined up outside, but they parted upon spotting the young man making his way to Gaius’ chambers. Most recognised him from his years of delivering medicine for Gaius, but the rest barely did. 

Gone was the bright-eyed and boyish apprentice; in his place stalked a weary man.

He lingered at the entrance for a few moments, and the crowd slowly dispersed in respect for his privacy. Now alone and steeling himself, he shakily brought up a hand, placing it on the familiar wood. 

A few deep breaths later, Merlin pushed the door open with trembling fingers. 

Everything hit him all at once, nostalgia flooding him as his senses took in the familiar workspace, simultaneously warming and chilling him. It all looked the same, traces of Gaius littered around. His gaze traversed the heartbreakingly domestic sight slowly, until it finally came to rest upon the figure lying upon the bed in the corner. 

It took everything he had not to drop his satchel and run to Gaius’ side, a strict punishment upon himself demanding he instead shuffle to his mentor almost disbelievingly. 

When he approached Gaius, the old physician was breathing so shallowly Merlin had almost missed his inhaling altogether. It was a cruel sight, one that picked further at his broken soul. His mentor, dying. 

Dropping to his knees and cradling Gaius’ hand, Merlin sobbed. “I’m so sorry,” he gasped over and over again.

“I failed… and I couldn’t return without seeing Arthur everywhere, but you’ve always been more than a father to me, and I couldn’t face even you.” he choked. Sobs wracking his slender frame, he clutched onto Gaius’s hand like a lifeline. 

Slowly, weakly, a hand rose to pat his. Sharply, Merlin’s head jerked up at the sensation. “Gaius!” 

The hand patted his once more, and Gaius weakly rasped, “Didn’t… fail. Proud… of you… my boy.” It evidently took a lot of effort for him to say those few words, and Merlin couldn’t help the whimper that escaped him. 

Another raspy breath was taken. “My… time now. Take… care of your… self.” Violent coughing interrupted, and Merlin frantically scrambled up to get water, only to be stopped by Gaius’s gentle squeeze. “No use… Merlin. Just… listen.” Tearfully, the young man nodded, shakily kneeling once more to properly gaze at his mentor. 

“I will… always be proud of you… Merlin.” Another bout of coughing ensued, and Merlin had to squeeze his mentor’s hand exceptionally hard to fight the urge to get him water. “You’ve done… so well… for so long… my boy.” 

As Gaius’s voice trailed off, Merlin was seized with a panic that propelled him upright. “Gaius?” His voice, soft but firm, held back emotions that threatened to overwhelm him. “Gaius, wake up.” He leaned over the weak form of his mentor, patting him lightly on the cheek. 

For a moment, he felt nothing but pure dread. But Gaius’s eyelids fluttered open, just barely, and dry lips parted slightly. Relief washed over him. “Gaius, hold on, I’ll — I’ll get you some water.” 

Once again, he was stopped by the barest squeeze.

A small, unmistakably gratified smile spread over Gaius’s droopy features as he breathed: “Welcome home,” and closed his eyes contentedly. 

The moment of realisation when he’d notice the other person’s breathing went from shallow to non-existent was always sudden. It never got any easier, the sharp accompanying pain that would drive through his chest and spread all the way to his fingertips. The cold reality gradually washing over him, as he’d realised he’d lost another person held dear to his heart. 

Unaware of how much time he’d spent draped over Gaius’s chillingly cold body, Merlin only later registered through his grief that someone was trying to soothe him. But he didn’t have the energy to get up and face anyone. He was tired; so tired. 

* * *

“Gaius, no!” Merlin jerked up violently, covered in sweat and panting. The remnants of his nightmare lingered in his mouth in a foul fashion, and he spent a few moments just sitting in the dark, feeling his heart pound as his half-conscious desperation gradually settled into a calmer, deadlier hollowness. 

Gaius was gone. 

Barely registering that he was in his old chambers without ever remembering moving there, Merlin lifelessly stumbled out into Gaius’s workspace. His old workspace.

Gaius was gone. 

Blearily, he made his way over to the familiar dinner table. He plopped down in his old seat, not registering anything around him, eyes wandering in a dazed manner as he eyed the workspace he hadn’t seen in far too long. Slowly, his gaze came to a stop at the empty placing before him. 

Gaius was gone. 

Eyeing the space left behind, Merlin contemplated just… leaving again. Nothing was left for him here. 

Gaius was gone. 

He could only curl into himself, shaking arms shielding his body from the glaring outside world. What was he supposed to do now? Gaius was gone. 

There was no more sadness, just a profound hollowness that he felt deep in his bones. Empty workspace, empty table, empty self. Everything was gone. 

Behind pressed eyelids, memories attacked him from every direction. Gaius, Gaius, Gaius, Gaius. _You’re like a son to me._ Gaius. _Welcome home._ Unconscious of it, he began muttering: “I’m so sorry” again and again, and the tears came and went. Unable to do anything else, he simply remained in his defensive position for a long time. 

After a certain amount of time, he heard footsteps. Again, he found himself unable to lift his head to greet the person who had come to him. He was so tired. 

The presence paused just before the table, and a familiar voice gently coaxed, “Merlin?” Swallowing, Merlin lifted his head just enough to peer up at Gwen through his tearful lashes. Under any other circumstance, a barrage of emotions would have greeted him at the sight of Gwen. Now… he was just tired. 

He inhaled shakily. “Gwen.” His voice came out hoarse, as though he hadn’t used it in very long. 

Without another word, Gwen appeared at his side, and held him in a tender embrace. “I’m so sorry,” she hiccuped. 

And that was all it took for Merlin to break down again. For a long time in a while, he allowed someone else to share his grief. The two remained in that position for a while, grieving together over the world of unsaid between them. 

Steadily, their hiccups slowed, and came to a shaky stop. Gwen slid off Merlin’s shoulders, and she simply sat with him, holding his hand in tearful silence. There was too much to be said and asked, and in the old and new grief that danced between the two friends, everything was left floating in the regretful wake of nothing. 

“It’s been a while.” Gwen was first to break the silence, but her gaze never moved from its focus on the table before her. 

“It has.” Merlin could only offer in reply. 

“Gaius’s… honouring will be held tomorrow, at noon.” Gwen swallowed hard, her fingers smoothing over Merlin’s in an attempt to soothe. “Would you like to say a few words?” 

A beat. “I don’t — I don’t think I can.” An audible gulp. 

“I understand.” 

Silence cloaked, and this time Gwen made no attempt to break it. 

It took a long time for her to gather any semblance of strength in the dim chambers, but eventually she pursed her lips, collected herself in a queenly manner, and left with a swish of her dress. Not before giving Merlin a kiss on the head, of course. 

And so Merlin was left alone in the dark, dusty room, wondering childishly where the dead went. 

* * *

A week. And four days. 

It took a week and a half for Merlin to finally leave the physician’s chambers, and pay the queen a proper call. 

Walking back into the castle was no easy feat; the ghosts that hid in the castle’s corners taunted him with every step, and the smiles of many lost friends floated before his mind’s eye. It helped that he seemed to have numbed after Gaius’s passing, though. 

Catching a glimpse of the training grounds as he passed a window in a turret overseeing the devastatingly familiar field, he paused. Weary eyes turned to the sparring knights below, eyes seeking out familiar faces. 

In a corner stood Percival, guiding what appeared to be a new and eager knight as the new recruit brandished his sword in a manner that suggested a lack of experience. 

Another part of the training ground saw Leon, who was sparring with another knight, hard at work as usual. 

Then he remembered when he’d heard of the death of another friend, and Merlin shut his eyes against the dull ache, his last memory of Gwaine echoing. _I hope you find what you're looking for_. A bitter smile crept across his lips; an expression he’d become used to baring at the path laid before him. 

Nothing would ever be the same again. And so he abandoned the window, not sparing a second glance down at his friends and treading on to a room that would scream of absence. 

It took a few minutes of deliberate breathing and clenching-and-unclenching his fists, but slowly he dared venture into the hauntingly regal room. At once, he felt something amiss. 

The room was… so empty. 

From the doorway, Merlin breathed heavily, eyes darting around in a pitiful imitation of alertness (albeit borne of genuine disorientation), displaying more energy than he had bothered to pretend to show in the past week and a half. 

At the other end of the room, as though in understanding of Merlin’s need to come to terms with a throne room without Arthur, Gwen sat patiently. Watching her friend, and waiting.

Bit by bit, Merlin inched closer to her, all the while keeping his body tense. It was quite a sight, his jaw working furiously as he slowly but surely made his way to the expectant queen at the end. 

When he arrived at his place before the queen, Merlin bowed stiffly. Anyone else would’ve seen this as a challenge to their authority, but Gwen merely smiled sadly. She knew better, of who should’ve sat on the throne. Who they yearned to return. 

“My lady.” Merlin straightened, a tension to him that Gwen feared would never quite leave his person now. 

“Merlin,” she greeted softly. “Welcome home.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm honestly quite proud of this (for the first time ever), but I'm also well aware that my writing needs work, so hopefully you enjoyed it but it's also understandable if you had a voice at the back of your head whining about writing style -- feel free to give feedback about that, I need the help :"" (but please don't be mean, I'm sensitive)  
> Thanks for reading! :D


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